Should have? Could have. Would have.

If there's one word I would take great delight in eliminating from the English language, it's 'should'. 'Should' grates on me like no other word ever has, or likely ever will. In the Western World it's a word we face on an almost daily basis; from advertising, from society, from the company we keep, even from ourselves. It's not the word itself I take issue with, it's a simple collection of letters, but the attitude it breeds; the air of pomposity, the stink of unnecessary guilt it leaves behind after. Should is a word I propose we collectively bring into extinction, so rarely used that future generations suspect it couldn't possibly have been used in real conversation such as 'snoutfair' (16th Century, meaning an attractive person). Using the word 'should' rarely comes hand in hand with true listening. When we use the word, all we are doing is imposing our beliefs on another person, we are failing to take time to understand where this person is coming from, where their deepest desires lie or what bridges they have to cross. This particular choice of language comes, in my opinion, from a misplaced sense of authority over another person. This stems from a stance which states "I am not OK with you the way you are, I understand your situation better than you do, and I am an authority on this", so if you don't take this person's advice you're a fool and if you do, well, good for them, they 'fixed' your maladaptive self. What arrogant bullshit. Eliminating a word may be unrealistic and probably not very helpful- every word has its uses. What is realistic, however, is the beneficial impact of heightening our awareness of when we use it. By cutting down how regularly we use it in conversation and removing it's casual residence within our subconscious we are much more likely to leave ourselves feeling better when we reflect and plan for the future and, more importantly, enjoy a more respectful way of engaging with our friends and colleagues. When we engage with this word's true meaning & implications and actively seek out more empowering alternatives we will feel a greater, deeper sense of control. The only alternative is to keep going as before, eking out feelings of guilt, shame and resentment in ourselves or those we engage with.

What happens when we 'Should' As mentioned previously, when we 'should' upon others we are imposing our beliefs upon another; we're also leaving that person with potential feelings of guilt and possible resentment towards us- not forgetting the air of know-it-all which we leave stagnant in the air around us. Want to leave your friends feeling terrible about themselves, resentful and undervalued in your company? Meet the word 'should'! The one stop friend drop you can use for all occasions- drop and lose friends everywhere you go! Equally, when we 'should' ourselves, we're placing judgement calls upon who we are which may not even come from inside and are instead the result of societal pressures. We are putting ourselves down and deeming the choices we have made thus far inadequate, when a lot of the time if we look back on previous decisions- even those we have come to regret- we were doing what we thought was right at that precise moment. Even if we now reflect that other options may have been wiser, there are better words for us to engage with than the insufferable 'should'. When society 'shoulds' us we often forget the authority we hold over our own life, placing decisions into the hands of others because their opinion comes with the authoritative should. Should I get 8 hours of sleep? Should I drink that much water every day? It is recommended, it's not necessarily wrong but it isn't an essential and it certainly isn't a standard I'm obliged to meet every day. It's simply an opinion. Nothing more.

So what can we do instead??? Becoming aware of how often we 'should' is a remarkable thing, it opens our eyes to the obligations we place on ourselves and our friends. To start moving it out of the way, here are a few alternatives: I could/ Perhaps I will/ I want to/ Maybe I'll/ I regret my actions. Next time I will/ I'd like you to/When you do this, I feel/ Have you considered/ If I were you, I would. . . It's also pretty handy to be prepared for when someone has issued a 'should' upon us. It's important to remember that there are times when people are simply well intentioned but unaware of the emotional response their words may have- I'm not convinced someone suggesting 'you should read this book' has any darker intention than to simply share a good book, so you'll have to gauge which suits your situation best. Some options include: What would happen if I didn't?/ Says who?/ I'll consider that./ Thanks for your feedback, I'm not currently seeking advice on the matter./ Thanks for the suggestion./ I'll bear it in mind.

Sometimes, an odd 'should' could be rather useful, it does bring an added sense of responsibility, and I'm not convinced it would be an easy word to obliterate but I am convinced that diluting the frequency of its use is one positive step we can all make in deciding which words we let define our society and which we leave behind for museums. Until next time my gentle snoutfairs, be well.