The Importance of Being Selfish

"Let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again".

These are the final lines by Stephen Grellet on a bookmark my year group received from our year head upon finishing our A-Levels and leaving school. Specially chosen to remind us to grab everything we can, while we can; that time is too precious to let slip away under the assumption that there will be another opportunity tomorrow. The clock ticks.

A message we carry with us at times of decision making, on choosing which path to take but one which we fail all too often to incorporate into our every daily task. It is not only the big things which happen only once but the mundane items of our life also. How many of those mundane things occur is our decision. Our biggest expenditure and waste of time however is on others who fail to value it. Each and every second of our time is ours to cherish, not be stolen for inactivity at another's whim or lack of thought. If we added up how much time we give out to others we would have enough time to achieve amazing things or, conversely, to relax wonderfully- not to be stuck in this limbo of nothingness where we are neither switched off nor switched on.  

Equally, the honus is upon us to be exclusive in who gets a share of the wealth. This is where we fall into the trap. By nature, we want to spend time with those we love that we often forgive them too much. After all, this is our best friend- of course we want to spend time with them. We fail to apply analytic thinking to the quality of that time and what indeed it gives us in return for what we give out. What we are left with in return is the formations of toxic relationships; where we run from one day to the next having achieved less than we had hoped and are at risk of becoming time wasters for others too.

It is our essential duty as a friend to support those around us, to ensure that we value the time of the closest to us as much as we claim to. Sometimes that means being with them, sometimes it means leaving them alone. How many times have we had a friend cancel on our plans at the ultimate last minute? As products of polite society we not only customarily re-arrange, giving over more of our time, but decide that it wasn’t a big deal. Get this- it is a big deal, you are worth a fuss.

Equally, how conducive to our happiness is it to spend time with someone who carries a lazy energy while we are in the midst of a heavy workload? The inner conflict rages, inviting that person we hold dear into our window of free time yet we know they are a high risk friend- meaning they are the kind which need a coat thrown at them and shoved out the door in impatience before understanding they have overstayed their welcome. This, again, is not true friendship. This doesn’t mean that person isn’t your true friend- by all means they may be the finest friend you have but this is the early stages of toxicity creeping in. No-one consciously decides to have a toxic relationship, they merely creep in and this is one way in which we let them. 

As an actor, I’ve always had a strange habit of not telling anyone the details of what I’m auditioning for unless they’ve proved someone who can be given that information. Someone who shares that information with others never gets the information a second time, nor does the person who continues to tell me anything they’ve read about a production which I ended up not being involved in- no grudge is held, but it isn’t worth the time to tell them in the future and repeat the cycle.  

Perhaps it is time to implement a similar way of gauging who I spend my time with freely. Perhaps it’s time to analyse situations where I can fail in that capacity myself. Am I acting as a tool for procrastination in others? I’d like to confidently assume not, but what if upon further inspection I am? I’ve certainly been a tool for procrastination in myself this week, merely by allowing myself to give time to people who have already previously wasted it.  

No-one likes to tell their friends to leave them alone, no-one likes to potentially upset people they hold dear- it goes against human instinct- even now, reading this post, I'm sure some of you are experiencing distaste for what I'm writing today- it isn't nearly altruistic enough, surely I must be wrong.

However, sometimes it is essential. I’m a woman for strong indicators- reminders about the weight of a workload, or an early start but with some people it’s not enough. We can’t assume everyone will be in tune, sometimes a firm request for them to leave will have to do. Sometimes, we'll just have to say no to coffee. The coffee isn't the problem, the lost 3 hours surrounding are.

We will feel better for it in the long run. There is a momentary guilt, naturally, but what we are left with is the time we need to do what we need. Our free time with that person can then be truly relished without resentment. No checking of the clock, we are ticking alongside it.

The Time is Now, The Place is Here

This week has been an incredible week for productivity, for making connections and embracing all corners of life. My initial intention was to rest and make room for new things to enter into my life- thank you to the universe for playing ball.

At the start of the week I took time to pause, reflecting on what had been a busy period beforehand and letting the dust settle. I rested, I had picnics with valued friends in the sun, I relaxed. I slowly started the cogs turning again by manually manoeuvring them into some form of action when I picked up the Lawrence Grobel/ Al Pacino biography on Monday morning- some 30 years worth of lengthy and private discussions between the pair covering Al's life and, more importantly, his process and journey as an actor. Inspiration and validation, in one small fit-inside-your-handbag paperback. One thing I noticed about Al which resonated with me is his comfort in isolation. He has never immersed himself in the Hollywood social scene: he always preferred living on the East Coast, he isn't as loud as sometimes people assume actors should be and he's perfect for it. His quiet happiness away from the party is one I can relate to. In fact, sometimes I'm sure people were expecting more when they meet me knowing I'm an actor- I'm also a fairly quiet, bookish, people-watcher. As for living away from the scene, it was like getting a thumbs up for my choices straight from Pacino himself. Choosing to base myself outside of either of the big cities closest to me (Belfast & Dublin) can sometimes have it's difficulties but it's a choice that, for now, I'm standing by. How reassuring to know that it's an option that has also been preferred and chosen by some of the foremost in my industry.

Engaging with my industry is so important to me- reading up papers, biographies and theories alongside diving in for discussions. What better week to give my energy to this than the All Ireland Performing Arts Conference? This year, I was lucky enough to live in the city where the APAC was being held, an unusual luxury of not having to rise with the sun to travel before a heavy day- the mountain was coming to Muhammad. The all stimulating, idea generating conference took place over two days and packed in as many talks and classes as a person could attend. We were fed delicious food, greeted in a formal reception with wine (and the city's new mayor) and entertained by the incredible Bronagh Gallagher and band. My brain is still catching up with me on all of the information it took in and important discussions which took place which are now gearing new projects.

The most important discussion however was the one which included a revelation. In preparation for performing a solo piece which I'm devising later this year I took time to speak to representatives from the Tyrone Guthrie Centre. During our conversation about my background, recent work and what I propose to do there it dawned on me that here I was in my 20's having worked with some incredible and impressive names, preparing to create a piece of work I had secured a solid investor for and I was wondering if I was in the right place by not living in a bigger city. It occurred to me I might be mad.

It doesn't matter where I choose to live, what matters is the level of happiness it brings. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is our most basic desires which lie at the bottom of the pyramid. I could have moved to a bigger city when I came back to Ireland and focused my attention upon those first levels, my physiological and safety needs, but here I was in a city I knew well where I had spent the year at the top of my own personal pyramid building and providing for my self-actualisation needs. I was in the right place; slowly, steadily foraging and without realising had come to a point where in a casual business discussion I could share landmark career moments without straining to think or making an effort to be impressive. The universe was letting things take their own natural course, if only I took time to pause and see the steady progress.

In Desiderata we are reminded "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.". However in a society such as ours, indeed an industry such as ours, we are all too often reminded of the things we haven't achieved. Too easy it has become to be saturated with information about the climbing positions of our peers, internet driven society has driven us mad. What's more it ignores the fact that these are our peers and presents them as our competitors. Who's doing the next big thing is the question subconsciously pulsing through our veins as crowds rush to observe and be connected to whoever is most fashionable at that precise moment. In actual fact, we are all here together. These career hierarchies are little more than social constructs we wrap around ourselves in an attempt to make sense of this world. There is no need to compete because there is no competition. Even at an audition, a casting director might want someone with my height, build, voice and character or they won't. There is no 'better' option, just preference.

There will always be people ahead of us, our awareness of them is the light inside of us guiding us in the right direction. It is there to support us and protect us from falling short of who we have the potential to be but there will also be people admiring the achievements we are making at that very moment. Being here, doing what we can with what we have is enough. It's probably more than we give it credit for.    

It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day

There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he's absolutely free to choose. - William M. Bulger


This month, I find myself in the same window which many actors often do- a period without bookings. 'In between jobs', 'resting'; our choice of phrasing is irrelevant,what matters is how we view the landscape. The landscape we look upon is the same, what differs is the vision from which we look upon it.

Opportunities will always arise from the blue and enter our lives from unexpected and unknown places- it is up to us how ready we are to catch them. The universe will only ever provide us with what we can handle, so my first focus is making sure I'm strong enough to handle what it throws. When the time comes I'll be prepared, ready to grab adventure with both hands and not wasting the precious creative hours yearning for the time I failed to make best use of.

Day 1, being on a Sunday, has been used as a day of rest. At the start of the year I spent time in Nowy Gieraltow, Poland where every single day began with a break, the idea being that a defined moment to pause was the most beneficial way to start a day of work. It seemed to work for the team and definitely worked for me. With that in mind, the most arduous task I completed today was walking to my favourite café for Croque Madame and orange juice in the sun with a loved one while reading the paper. Followed by hours and hours of rest and sleep. No heavy start into the new chapter of my career here, just a simple step to the right to ease in.

Last night marked the end of a project I had been involved with since before I ever set foot in Poland, 'The Return of Colmcille', produced by Walk The Plank as part of the City of Culture Programme for Derry. Originally I had no intention of performing in the piece but I am so happy that I did. After months of work doing field research with a Zoom H4N collecting as many stories as possible to create the performance I was looking forward to seeing that work turn into live performance and taking a quiet background role- I can't imagine why I thought that would be half as fun as being right in the centre of the action. Seeing an entire city out on the streets to enjoy live performance which had almost 1,000 participants made sitting around a table with new colleagues, back when the full team could fit into a small room, all those months ago seem a distant memory. For the only thing to be completed before the work is fully past tense being my final invoice makes one almost tempted to postpone payment. Almost.

 A full day performing followed by being part of a procession which entailed being lifted individually some 15 feet in the air and the all important after party was definitely the recipe for a good night's sleep, maybe even 2 good nights if we're lucky. What then? Who knows. Reading? Learning? Tidying? We'll see. Until we have answers, all I can guarantee is I'll be using the time I have until they arrive. This is my perfect opportunity to do everything I wish I could do but never have time for while performing, not to be lost on freelancer anxiety about where will the next job come from. It will come, that is all I need to know.

 All too often the freelance artist forgets to trust in both themselves and the universe and this luxury open space is thrown away and wasted on worrying- the least productive thing we can possibly do.  Instead, let us take time to pause. This is our moment to clear away any cobwebs in our mind and make space for new projects to enter. This is our key time to throw ourselves into what brings us joy- remember we are a human being, not a human doing.

It is this moment when no-one is watching us which defines who we are, these are the choices which create our character. It is up to you to decide yours, are you the type who chooses to spend their days riddled with fear running on a constant treadmill without getting any farther? Or are you the type who will spend their free time working on themselves so they walk into their next audition as a whole without 'I-need-this-job-desperation' dripping from their eyes.

Artistic life is filled with peaks and troughs, opportunities come and opportunities will come again. When they do, they will find me with open arms and an open heart.

X x x