Should have? Could have. Would have.

If there's one word I would take great delight in eliminating from the English language, it's 'should'. 'Should' grates on me like no other word ever has, or likely ever will. In the Western World it's a word we face on an almost daily basis; from advertising, from society, from the company we keep, even from ourselves. It's not the word itself I take issue with, it's a simple collection of letters, but the attitude it breeds; the air of pomposity, the stink of unnecessary guilt it leaves behind after. Should is a word I propose we collectively bring into extinction, so rarely used that future generations suspect it couldn't possibly have been used in real conversation such as 'snoutfair' (16th Century, meaning an attractive person). Using the word 'should' rarely comes hand in hand with true listening. When we use the word, all we are doing is imposing our beliefs on another person, we are failing to take time to understand where this person is coming from, where their deepest desires lie or what bridges they have to cross. This particular choice of language comes, in my opinion, from a misplaced sense of authority over another person. This stems from a stance which states "I am not OK with you the way you are, I understand your situation better than you do, and I am an authority on this", so if you don't take this person's advice you're a fool and if you do, well, good for them, they 'fixed' your maladaptive self. What arrogant bullshit. Eliminating a word may be unrealistic and probably not very helpful- every word has its uses. What is realistic, however, is the beneficial impact of heightening our awareness of when we use it. By cutting down how regularly we use it in conversation and removing it's casual residence within our subconscious we are much more likely to leave ourselves feeling better when we reflect and plan for the future and, more importantly, enjoy a more respectful way of engaging with our friends and colleagues. When we engage with this word's true meaning & implications and actively seek out more empowering alternatives we will feel a greater, deeper sense of control. The only alternative is to keep going as before, eking out feelings of guilt, shame and resentment in ourselves or those we engage with.

What happens when we 'Should' As mentioned previously, when we 'should' upon others we are imposing our beliefs upon another; we're also leaving that person with potential feelings of guilt and possible resentment towards us- not forgetting the air of know-it-all which we leave stagnant in the air around us. Want to leave your friends feeling terrible about themselves, resentful and undervalued in your company? Meet the word 'should'! The one stop friend drop you can use for all occasions- drop and lose friends everywhere you go! Equally, when we 'should' ourselves, we're placing judgement calls upon who we are which may not even come from inside and are instead the result of societal pressures. We are putting ourselves down and deeming the choices we have made thus far inadequate, when a lot of the time if we look back on previous decisions- even those we have come to regret- we were doing what we thought was right at that precise moment. Even if we now reflect that other options may have been wiser, there are better words for us to engage with than the insufferable 'should'. When society 'shoulds' us we often forget the authority we hold over our own life, placing decisions into the hands of others because their opinion comes with the authoritative should. Should I get 8 hours of sleep? Should I drink that much water every day? It is recommended, it's not necessarily wrong but it isn't an essential and it certainly isn't a standard I'm obliged to meet every day. It's simply an opinion. Nothing more.

So what can we do instead??? Becoming aware of how often we 'should' is a remarkable thing, it opens our eyes to the obligations we place on ourselves and our friends. To start moving it out of the way, here are a few alternatives: I could/ Perhaps I will/ I want to/ Maybe I'll/ I regret my actions. Next time I will/ I'd like you to/When you do this, I feel/ Have you considered/ If I were you, I would. . . It's also pretty handy to be prepared for when someone has issued a 'should' upon us. It's important to remember that there are times when people are simply well intentioned but unaware of the emotional response their words may have- I'm not convinced someone suggesting 'you should read this book' has any darker intention than to simply share a good book, so you'll have to gauge which suits your situation best. Some options include: What would happen if I didn't?/ Says who?/ I'll consider that./ Thanks for your feedback, I'm not currently seeking advice on the matter./ Thanks for the suggestion./ I'll bear it in mind.

Sometimes, an odd 'should' could be rather useful, it does bring an added sense of responsibility, and I'm not convinced it would be an easy word to obliterate but I am convinced that diluting the frequency of its use is one positive step we can all make in deciding which words we let define our society and which we leave behind for museums. Until next time my gentle snoutfairs, be well.

Leap & The Net Will Appear

Never underestimate the knowledge of the heart. The heart knows where it wants to go, it knows what it needs to do, it know what direction will bring happiness. When we question the heart with fear and doubt we go against our instinct and intuition- which are both here to help us grow in the right direction, like a sunflower towards the light. When we listen to it's guidance and reflect it's encouragement with effort, we're on a winning streak.

This week has been filled with listening to my heart and growing in the right direction. I've been tired a lot of the time, alone some of the time but afraid none of the time. Over the past 7 days I've been in almost 10 different cities, travelling for hours and embracing life, jumping upon instinct. In return, the universe has provided me with the net to catch and support me through my decisions. I'm lucky, but at the same time, I'm not. I'm no more lucky than anyone reading this,no special circumstances have provided me with a support which others wouldn't find. There is a story which Eckhart Tolle uses to introduce his book 'The Power of Now' of a beggar sitting on a box while asking others for money. When someone asks him what's inside the box he takes his first ever peek inside to discover he had been sitting on a collection of gold coins the whole time. He equates this story with man's search for more, constantly seeking the answers outside while our true wisdom is accessed when we look within. When we take time to reflect and reassess, our voice inside grows louder than before and our awareness of where we want to go and who we want to be is brighter and clearer. This is the high definition focus we need to listen to, it is the truest voice we have and the brightest star to guide us. Last week I mentioned the importance of taking time to pause in order to gain our full strength and grasp the clearest focus on what we want. This is true, but it's not enough. We have to flesh out that picture; make it large, loud and bright. Fill in the details- what exactly does the picture contain, what are you doing, with whom, where is it, what are you wearing, what are you holding. Taking time to focus like this engages the brain to get a clear image of your future and what follows is the clarity if the path to get there. Working backwards on our imagery like this makes it easier to form a plan of action.

From there we have the hardest and easiest part in one: taking the leap, letting go of the what-if's and going for it. What is there to be afraid of? If you haven't taken step 1 then there is simply nothing to lose. Once you have the vision and the focus, the only thing holding you back is either cowardice or laziness, neither of which are good enough reasons to watch your future slip away fom your grasp. Neither of which command respect. I often see young artists telling me how much they want their dream, how they live for their dream and yet do nothing. The same people are guilty of sitting around waiting for phone calls expecting life to be handed to them. What they have is a fantasy, what they need is a vision. I recommend taking time to go somewhere quiet where you won't be interrupted with a notebook and a pen. Take time to picture to future, older you. Imagine that person happy and successful getting the jobs, relationships and situations you want. What is it they're doing? What makes them so happy? Focus in even more, what do they have which you want most? Take time to question what is it that makes them the person getting that, what else would they need, and how would they get that. Keep going far enough and you'll land back at your present self with a list of where to go in order to be the new you. The path may alter with each step, you may find different routes to take you there as new doors open but at least you know how to start. All you have to do now is do it.

Pace & Pause

This week I have mostly been feeling incredibly grateful. So many wonderful things keep flying into my direction and I'm filled with appreciation, at some points overwhelmed with joy. The wheels are turning, new adventures are underfoot and I'm open to receiving. This week I've also been feeling exceptionally chilled out, relaxed and at some points delightfully lazy.

The workaholic has been lazy? The workaholic spent 3 days in pyjamas with greasy hair after catching a cold with the weekend adventures of a hermit monk and it has been just class. It comes highly recommended. With my blog going out on a Tuesday, the new week of adventures starts for me on a Wednesday and this one started in the most incredible and icredibly unusual way- inside a flotation tank. I've been harping on about it all week to my close friends and with good reason, it's the most fantastic thing I've done in a while. As a non-swimmer who isn't the biggest fan of small spaces I wasn't convinced I'd enjoy the bath with a lid, in fact I thought it'd be the worst hour I'd have had in some time but was going to try it out anyway. What happened instead: The water was nice and warm, the salt levels meant I couldn't not float, the space inside was bigger than it seemed and I was as chilled as could be for a glorious hour of sensory deprivation. It's great for deep relaxation but also is the perfect activity for stimulating theta waves in the brain which go hand in hand with creativity. Tick, tick,tick. Unexpected though was how much better I'd look as a result. It's bizarre to describe but looking in the mirror after was a bizarre experience, essentially I had the same face but it was better, younger, brighter. Was it a flotation tank or the fountain of youth?? As a woman in her twenties I hardly have years worth of wrinkles to worry about but my overall complexion just glowed. It's amazing, spread the word and enjoy the good news.

We run and run everyday to keep up with the races and challenges we have set ourselves; rarely stopping to pause we take for granted how much rest we need. I'm aware I'm a person who needs to make room for chilling out but I had no idea how much physical stress I carried in my body that day until I was out the other side with my relaxed body and teenage fresh face. I always make sure my laptop's fully charged but I seem to accept having a half battery for my body and mind as just being tired. So easy in our modern technological world it has become to neglect ourselves, many of us are surviving not thriving. In my new state of heavenly bliss I sat and took stock of all the good I'm surrounded by, how supported I am by the universe. I felt open and happy and aware of how much I have to be thankful for. I sent a thank you message to my hairdresser for my perfect hair and embraced my new vision. From taking stock of everything great around me I gained greater clarity on what else I wanted that picture to include. Scribbling down some ideas turned into well thought out plans and approaches, the picture of my future was a sharp, focused photograph to display on the mantlepiece in my mind. AS Bo Bennett said "visualization is daydreaming with a purpose". Another thing to be grateful for.

I hadn't intended upon taking 3 days to be a slob. I got a bit ill from getting caught in the rain and am a bit obsessive about looking after myself when I'm a bit off; being only a couple of years since my lungs took on pneumonia they need the extra protection and care which then turned into just enjoying my pyjamas. It's not my usual modus operandi but after feeling the benefits of the tank at the top of the week I felt happy to slide down into a lower gear. It didn't have to mean being unproductive or lazy, it could mean taking on the world from a new angle. A self assured relaxation with focus. Which is exactly what it was. If anyone called to the door (which the Postwoman did once with a parcel and I was mortified) they'd have probably assumed I was just wasting my life away, but being productive and achieving doesn't have to mean getting up super early, getting everything done right away in an anxious manner. Our vision gets clearer when we release, we retune our own instruments by stopping to listen to it. That's when we can pick up the ball and run, that's when we're likely to have what it takes to get a slamdunk. I'm now out of my incubation. I'm relaxed, recharged and refreshed and I'm going back in the tank before I leave the country for a few days- a surprise work trip organised yesterday following my pyjama weekend which I have all the energy I need for now my battery is fully charged. And I'm grateful.

And Still I Rise

After almost two weeks 'on hold', I finally get the news. And it's not positive. Until this point Schroedinger's cat has been both alive and dead- I have had as much chance of getting cast as the lead as not making the final cut. Having made it so far for such a big production, my emotions are heightened and I'm angry. I spend time making sense of everything, I bring myself downstairs, stick on some music and dance it all out. Shake it off, start again and face a new day. This is par for the course in the life of an actor; we get rejected, we feel it, deal with it and focus on the next challenge. We are not only professional peformers, we are professionals at dealing with rejection. There is one part of life as an actor which will determine the potential of your career path from day 1. While there are many variables to consider, each one determining what level of the industry you work within, dealing with rejection is one key area which every actor needs to get their head around quickly in order to survive. Every year actors deal with more rejection than many of our peers have to face in an entire lifetime; it truly is remarkable. There is the common image in society of the 'struggling actor', we are encouraged by many members of mainstream society to think of poor actors who need our pity as they struggle to get by rejection after rejection. Yes, it is tough making a way as an actor, it is a struggle at times and we do need support. However, what we don't need is pity- we demand your recognition and deserve your admiration. We also deserve admiration from ourselves. Working actors are warriors on the front line, giving their everything and rising up each time we fall. We have tenacity, resillience and courage. We face each fall with grace and refuse to let it affect us so deeply that we lose our motivation to keep going. Actors accept it as a given that this repeated rejection can be the most difficult area of the industry, in fact our attitude towards it is what will determine the longevity of our career. Rejection isn't simply an inconvenient hurdle, rejection inflicts damage to our psychological well being which goes way beyond emotional pain. It affects our behaviour, our emotions and thought process in reflex manners which are beyond our control. Recent fMRI scans show that we use exactly the same area of the brain to process rejection as we do physical pain- no wonder some rejections feel like a kick in the shins, to our brain they are exactly the same thing. Only with a kick in the shins we can forget as soon as the pain passes, with social pain like rejection we can relive the experience just as vividly as the moment it happened- the neurological pathways are much stronger. In the past, as hunter gatherer tribes people rejection was fatal. No man could survive alone without the tribe, and so, many evolutionary psychologists assume that the brain developed warning signals to alert us to moments when we were at risk of ostracism. Those with most heightened awareness of when this was likely altered their behaviour in time to remain part of the group, holding a strong evolutionary advantage- hence why rejection has developed to become such a strong part of our memory today.

Remembering these incidences where we have been rejected not only trigger an identical level of pain, it also temporarily lowers our IQ. Speaking of a study on the matter, Dr Guy Winch has said "Being asked to recall a recent rejection experience and relive the experience was enough for people to score significantly lower on subsequent IQ tests, tests of short-term memory, and tests of decision making. Indeed, when we are reeling from a painful rejection, thinking clearly is not that easy". It isn't any real surprise then that rejection does not repsond to reasoning. In a further study on rejection, participants were put through an experiment whereby they were rejected by strangers. For the aim of the experiment, everything had been set up in advance and they were not genuinely rejected at all- however, being told this did little to ease the emotional pain felt by the participants. This is what we experience with every rejection we face, which for many actors is on a weekly basis. No wonder so many actors hate audition conversation! With every caring friend or family member who asks how it went on unsuccessful ocassions we are reliving those same feelings, unable to reason with ourselves that it's part of the process and we shouldn't feel annoyed. Having also been found to be a key trigger for rising levels of anger and aggression, it's not too surprising they many may struggle to control their emotions. It takes only one quick Internet search to generate case study after case study of revenge attacks by rejected lovers on their partners to see this link in action at it's most extreme. Of course the attackers in these case studies are seriously mentally imbalanced, but can you imagine if every actor who didn't get a part went to this extreme? We all face rejection- be it romantic, professional or social, and we all have to deal with it. But to my fellow actors, I salute you for your continued efforts in the face of paniful, repeated mental injury. What we do in our industry is a phenomenal demonstration of human strength, not to be underestimated. It is no mean feat what we take in our stride, indeed many would stumble at the first step.

The Weight of Words

Picture a baby elephant. Grey rough skin, big beautiful eyes, two tusks and a trunk. Picture four grey stumpy legs and around one of which is a heavy metal cuff with a chain attached to a spike in the ground; the spike being almost the height of baby elephant itself. It is too small to break free from the chain, too slight to pull the spike from the ground. 

Picture now another elephant, this time fully grown. All of the same features as baby elephant before, including the chain and spike. This time, however, our elephant towers over the spike and could pull it from the ground if he so wished. Only he doesn’t, this elephant doesn’t even try.
 

These are both the one elephant. In adult form there is no attempt made to act out and free itself because he has learnt from a young age that there is no point. Having spent long enough being constricted he fails to see that in adult life he now has the power to break out and overpower his shackles; just as we do as humans. 

As has been heavily documented, the education system we follow is one which fails many and praises memory. We follow an education system crafted during the 19^th Century which favours subjects and fields which cater most for the demands laid down at the time of the industrial revolution, placing maths and science highest, humanities second and arts at the bottom. We spend 12-14 years indoctrinated into the belief that memorising textbooks for tests and getting right answers will set us up best for life as adults. We are discouraged from speaking out, asking the wrong question or thinking independently and where does that leave us? In the current climate, with few places to go if we followed the school path step by step. It is a known and accepted fact that in our failing economy those who thrive the most are those able to create their own opportunities but this can only be done with creative thinking and bravery. No surprise then that some of the world’s most innovative entrepreneurs are also school leavers: Bill Gates, Josephine Fairley, Richard Branson, Jenny Craig, Steve Jobs, Alan Sugar and even Thomas Edison amongst others. 

What then is so different about the mind-set of these successful people who thrived and succeeded without mainstream education?

Their inner monologue.

 Rather than reinforcing the reprimands of schoolteachers these people reminded themselves of their strengths and ability to succeed. Even more importantly they were not afraid not failure, refusing to accept the commonly told mistruth that we shouldn’t make mistakes and we are bad if we do so. They know that the only stupid question is the one we never asked. The language with which they speak to themselves is empowering, encouraging and strength building- it focuses solely on the potential.

The importance of the words which we use, whether to speak to others or ourselves should not be underestimated; as the saying goes ‘our thoughts becomes our words, our words become our actions’. Our thoughts are already physical things within the universe before they exit our mouth; at the point in which we vocalise them we are cementing even further into our truth. If we picture something, if we speak about it then we have already engaged in a commitment to the physical realisation of that idea. In this way, we both command and demand that our life path and the universe with it become what we want it to be- either negative or positive.

Dr. Maya Angelou says the following: “Words are things I’m convinced. You must be careful about the words you use or the words you allow to be used in your house. Words are things. We must be careful. Careful about calling people put of their names; using racial pejoratives and sexual pejoratives and all that ignorance. Don’t do that. Someday we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are things, I think they get on the walls, they get in your wallpaper, they get in your rugs and your upholstery and your clothes and finally into you”.

In fact, she has been known to put people out of her house for telling racist jokes, unafraid to disrupt a room in the process, referring to this type of language as a ‘little murder’. In an interview from December 2000, she explains how when people use language about us which is in some way demeaning what they are engaging in is a cowardly assassination attempt at our character. However, it is even more than this. Stating how all air around us is made of sounds and images, negative language fills more than just the mind, but also the spirit and the energy of the surrounding area; “I'm convinced that the negative has power. It lives. And if you allow it to perch in your house, in your mind, in your life, it can take you over. So when the rude or cruel thing is said—the lambasting, the gay bashing, the hate—I say, "Take it all out of my house!" Those negative words climb into the woodwork and into the furniture, and the next thing you know they'll be on my skin.”

Carrying negativity is our decision. It is a weight which no-one forces us to carry. There will be times when it will be more difficult to shake off the shackles of this weight but it one which we, and only we, have the power to do. While it is important to express our feelings and let go of negativity instead of bottling it, making a concerted effort to use only the most positive language we can makes a huge impact upon our mind-set; our ability to make brave decisions, to bounce back from failure and lead much more contented lives overall. Our choice of language has a knock on effect on which path we choose to walk in life and who we choose to accompany us on those paths. Ultimately, it is life-changing. The best part about it is that it is right within our control; the redemptive power of choice is ours for the taking. The chains are ours to remove.

It's a . . .Woman

Congratulations to Kate and William on the birth of their new baby boy; a day old child already wealthier than or you may ever hope to be.  I don’t begrudge the most likeable segment of the royals their new found happiness, I’m delighted for any couple who have been lucky enough to have a child and have no doubt they’ll be lovely parents. However, you'll have to forgive me for being yet another tax payer watching their money pay for another fanciful occasion which could have been paid for privately. Furthermore, let us not forget in all the hype the many children born on the same day who we won’t be celebrating the birth of en masse, let us not lose sight of the 100,000 children in Northern Ireland currently living in poverty. Not one of these things is going to make the news now that Ms Middleton has done the unimaginable and secured a bloodline. Stop the press, a woman of childbearing age has given birth after 9 months of pregnancy. Each month lasted approximately 4 weeks.

 The birth of this child bears as much relevance to current society as the storyline to Game of Thrones. Society’s obsession with this child is certainly as medieval as the series setting. Ever since the 2011 wedding, the media have been restraining themselves from climbing inside the Duchess to check if she is pregnant and rallying the troops through the red-tops to get everyone to join in the same fervour. Here we have an intelligent woman reduced to A) Princess Bride and now B) Doting Mummy. She may end all personal aims now, her key life goals have been completed; what more could a woman want than a ball gown, a prince and a sparkly ring? Only a baby to make the item a family. Are we really so dated? This rings of little more than the obsession England garnered for the many wives of Henry VIII; each one their life value weighed upon their breeding ability. Like a farmyard animal. 

On a side note, it should be worth noting that recent studies show Henry to have been a likely sufferer of Kell’s disease- an illness which would have made his wives able to carry one child to full term but any others would be likely to die either before birth or shortly afterwards. A theory which matches well to the pregnancies of each of his wives and his later physical deterioration with correlating symptoms. Of course no-one would possibly have considered the issue lay with his biological make-up and each wife became reduced to a disposable body.

Times have changed in many ways since the Tudor reign, particularly for women, and yet here we are still with all night campers enjoying lying on the pavement awaiting news of a birth and the succession of an outdated Royal lineage.  We have still knocked Kate’s personality out of our minds replacing her with ‘Womb Middleton: Britain’s dream of future’. Had she and her husband decided against having children the world would be aghast, surely women cannot live happy lives without giving birth? Let me state, I love children, I am not of the camp who believe that having children means a woman’s life is over. Someday I hope to be a mother myself but that is not all that I will be, and certainly not all that I will be defined by. This week I await the birth of one of my best friend’s first child; she will still be a women with two honours degrees and a passion for Star Wars. Despite the rumours and misheld belief, giving birth will not diminish the importance of her intellect or personality- similarly neither would a life without giving birth, as is the route of life many other women go on. 

It’s 2013 and this is still a man’s world. Despite what Beyoncé may invite you to believe, girls do not yet run the world. In fact, research by the UN reveal that not only are less than 10% of world leaders women, so too are only 1 in 5 members of parliament. 

 

This week, British political leader David Cameron has made the news regarding his new campaign to block pornography from households unless they elect otherwise. This may potentially be the first Nanny state action which my generation have had to face and while this may be, to some, only a positive move forward I question whether or not it is. Firstly, in the situation of families, it is suggesting that it is no longer the role of parents and guardians to guide children wisely, but the internet. An idea I certainly don’t encourage. Furthermore, if Cameron is so keen to protect young eyes and fight the battle against the degradation of women then surely he must question his tight relationship with Rupert Murdoch- the man responsible for Page 3. As The Guardian’s Polly Toynbee rightly described “The cascade of revelations of the intimacy between the Cameron entourage and the Murdoch empire saps the government’s authority. That’s the ‘shadow of sleaze’.” Surely, a friendly word in his chum’s ear could explain how accessible his fleet of newspapers with topless women are to young eyes and how these images do little to improve women’s place in society- points well made in his pornography banning argument. As D.C is obviously well aware, such a culture only serves to see women defined as a walking, talking pair of breasts. (Until the point they are defined as a walking, talking womb.)

So, as we offer our congratulations to ‘The Cambridges’ on the birth of their new child, let us not forget the woman who bore that child. A business woman with a keen eye for art who, as too few know, previously wrote a paper on Lewis Carroll’s Photographic Interpretation of Childhood. The only royal document I’d be keen to get my hands on, not a birth certificate to find out which name they have chosen, as is the current obsession of global curiosity.

Maybe they’ll surprise us all, give in to 2013 and pick a random Coca Cola bottle.