"Let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again".
These are the final lines by Stephen Grellet on a bookmark my year group received from our year head upon finishing our A-Levels and leaving school. Specially chosen to remind us to grab everything we can, while we can; that time is too precious to let slip away under the assumption that there will be another opportunity tomorrow. The clock ticks.
A message we carry with us at times of decision making, on choosing which path to take but one which we fail all too often to incorporate into our every daily task. It is not only the big things which happen only once but the mundane items of our life also. How many of those mundane things occur is our decision. Our biggest expenditure and waste of time however is on others who fail to value it. Each and every second of our time is ours to cherish, not be stolen for inactivity at another's whim or lack of thought. If we added up how much time we give out to others we would have enough time to achieve amazing things or, conversely, to relax wonderfully- not to be stuck in this limbo of nothingness where we are neither switched off nor switched on.
Equally, the honus is upon us to be exclusive in who gets a share of the wealth. This is where we fall into the trap. By nature, we want to spend time with those we love that we often forgive them too much. After all, this is our best friend- of course we want to spend time with them. We fail to apply analytic thinking to the quality of that time and what indeed it gives us in return for what we give out. What we are left with in return is the formations of toxic relationships; where we run from one day to the next having achieved less than we had hoped and are at risk of becoming time wasters for others too.
It is our essential duty as a friend to support those around us, to ensure that we value the time of the closest to us as much as we claim to. Sometimes that means being with them, sometimes it means leaving them alone. How many times have we had a friend cancel on our plans at the ultimate last minute? As products of polite society we not only customarily re-arrange, giving over more of our time, but decide that it wasn’t a big deal. Get this- it is a big deal, you are worth a fuss.
Equally, how conducive to our happiness is it to spend time with someone who carries a lazy energy while we are in the midst of a heavy workload? The inner conflict rages, inviting that person we hold dear into our window of free time yet we know they are a high risk friend- meaning they are the kind which need a coat thrown at them and shoved out the door in impatience before understanding they have overstayed their welcome. This, again, is not true friendship. This doesn’t mean that person isn’t your true friend- by all means they may be the finest friend you have but this is the early stages of toxicity creeping in. No-one consciously decides to have a toxic relationship, they merely creep in and this is one way in which we let them.
As an actor, I’ve always had a strange habit of not telling anyone the details of what I’m auditioning for unless they’ve proved someone who can be given that information. Someone who shares that information with others never gets the information a second time, nor does the person who continues to tell me anything they’ve read about a production which I ended up not being involved in- no grudge is held, but it isn’t worth the time to tell them in the future and repeat the cycle.
Perhaps it is time to implement a similar way of gauging who I spend my time with freely. Perhaps it’s time to analyse situations where I can fail in that capacity myself. Am I acting as a tool for procrastination in others? I’d like to confidently assume not, but what if upon further inspection I am? I’ve certainly been a tool for procrastination in myself this week, merely by allowing myself to give time to people who have already previously wasted it.
No-one likes to tell their friends to leave them alone, no-one likes to potentially upset people they hold dear- it goes against human instinct- even now, reading this post, I'm sure some of you are experiencing distaste for what I'm writing today- it isn't nearly altruistic enough, surely I must be wrong.
However, sometimes it is essential. I’m a woman for strong indicators- reminders about the weight of a workload, or an early start but with some people it’s not enough. We can’t assume everyone will be in tune, sometimes a firm request for them to leave will have to do. Sometimes, we'll just have to say no to coffee. The coffee isn't the problem, the lost 3 hours surrounding are.
We will feel better for it in the long run. There is a momentary guilt, naturally, but what we are left with is the time we need to do what we need. Our free time with that person can then be truly relished without resentment. No checking of the clock, we are ticking alongside it.
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