At the start of the week I took time to pause, reflecting on what had been a busy period beforehand and letting the dust settle. I rested, I had picnics with valued friends in the sun, I relaxed. I slowly started the cogs turning again by manually manoeuvring them into some form of action when I picked up the Lawrence Grobel/ Al Pacino biography on Monday morning- some 30 years worth of lengthy and private discussions between the pair covering Al's life and, more importantly, his process and journey as an actor. Inspiration and validation, in one small fit-inside-your-handbag paperback. One thing I noticed about Al which resonated with me is his comfort in isolation. He has never immersed himself in the Hollywood social scene: he always preferred living on the East Coast, he isn't as loud as sometimes people assume actors should be and he's perfect for it. His quiet happiness away from the party is one I can relate to. In fact, sometimes I'm sure people were expecting more when they meet me knowing I'm an actor- I'm also a fairly quiet, bookish, people-watcher. As for living away from the scene, it was like getting a thumbs up for my choices straight from Pacino himself. Choosing to base myself outside of either of the big cities closest to me (Belfast & Dublin) can sometimes have it's difficulties but it's a choice that, for now, I'm standing by. How reassuring to know that it's an option that has also been preferred and chosen by some of the foremost in my industry.
Engaging with my industry is so important to me- reading up papers, biographies and theories alongside diving in for discussions. What better week to give my energy to this than the All Ireland Performing Arts Conference? This year, I was lucky enough to live in the city where the APAC was being held, an unusual luxury of not having to rise with the sun to travel before a heavy day- the mountain was coming to Muhammad. The all stimulating, idea generating conference took place over two days and packed in as many talks and classes as a person could attend. We were fed delicious food, greeted in a formal reception with wine (and the city's new mayor) and entertained by the incredible Bronagh Gallagher and band. My brain is still catching up with me on all of the information it took in and important discussions which took place which are now gearing new projects.
The most important discussion however was the one which included a revelation. In preparation for performing a solo piece which I'm devising later this year I took time to speak to representatives from the Tyrone Guthrie Centre. During our conversation about my background, recent work and what I propose to do there it dawned on me that here I was in my 20's having worked with some incredible and impressive names, preparing to create a piece of work I had secured a solid investor for and I was wondering if I was in the right place by not living in a bigger city. It occurred to me I might be mad.
It doesn't matter where I choose to live, what matters is the level of happiness it brings. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is our most basic desires which lie at the bottom of the pyramid. I could have moved to a bigger city when I came back to Ireland and focused my attention upon those first levels, my physiological and safety needs, but here I was in a city I knew well where I had spent the year at the top of my own personal pyramid building and providing for my self-actualisation needs. I was in the right place; slowly, steadily foraging and without realising had come to a point where in a casual business discussion I could share landmark career moments without straining to think or making an effort to be impressive. The universe was letting things take their own natural course, if only I took time to pause and see the steady progress.
In Desiderata we are reminded "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.". However in a society such as ours, indeed an industry such as ours, we are all too often reminded of the things we haven't achieved. Too easy it has become to be saturated with information about the climbing positions of our peers, internet driven society has driven us mad. What's more it ignores the fact that these are our peers and presents them as our competitors. Who's doing the next big thing is the question subconsciously pulsing through our veins as crowds rush to observe and be connected to whoever is most fashionable at that precise moment. In actual fact, we are all here together. These career hierarchies are little more than social constructs we wrap around ourselves in an attempt to make sense of this world. There is no need to compete because there is no competition. Even at an audition, a casting director might want someone with my height, build, voice and character or they won't. There is no 'better' option, just preference.
There will always be people ahead of us, our awareness of them is the light inside of us guiding us in the right direction. It is there to support us and protect us from falling short of who we have the potential to be but there will also be people admiring the achievements we are making at that very moment. Being here, doing what we can with what we have is enough. It's probably more than we give it credit for.
Some excellent food for thought, here.
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